How to Build Resilience and a Growth Mindset
“I can’t” is a common sentence starter when students are frustrated. Teachers hear it. Parents do, too. So, how do we help students turn the phrase into a better expectation? Building resilience happens through small choices that add up over days, weeks, and months, year after year. Starting small is key.
If your child has struggled consistently in a specific subject area, you might not undo this phrase overnight. The phrase is a composite of all the times they’ve tried and failed to hit their mark. You may see their effort, progress, growth, and perseverance, but helping students see beyond the next homework assignment or test grade is tough. Here’s why.
Studies show that adolescents tend to focus on short-term goals or “wins” rather than long-term ones, especially when compared with adults. The good news is that our brain wiring continues to develop in young adulthood, and students’ neurodevelopmental stage only tells part of the story. The other part of the story is that parents, teachers, and students themselves are contributors to the shift from “I can’t” to “I can” and “I want to.”
4 Personal Competencies that Build Student Resilience
To move from “I can’t” to “I can” and even “I want to,” parents and teachers can work together to help a student grow in four personal competencies: cognitive, metacognitive, motivational and social-emotional. But what are these, and why do they matter?
- Cognitive is what most people think about when the words “school” or “homework” come up. It’s basically the thinking or the actions you take to learn. You might remember some facts and recite them, or you could solve a math problem. You might analyze a science experiment to understand where it fell short. Essentially, cognitive is thought-related.
- Metacognition is closely associated with thinking, but it goes deeper. It’s understanding how you learned something, reflecting on why you need to change tactics, or focusing on a new way to solve a problem because you recognize your other attempt failed. You also use metacognitive skills when you’re preparing to tackle a project or find a solution, because it’s basically thinking about how you think.
- Motivational competency is the umbrella term that includes sustained perseverance toward a goal. It is closely linked with self-belief and social-emotional regulation. Much more than being motivated, motivational competency involves dissecting interpersonal beliefs about oneself, recognizing why something is valuable enough to continue pursuing, and managing how you process failure or prolonged effort.
- Social-emotional competency is often attributed to motivational competency, but it’s got a few more layers. It involves how well a student can accurately know themselves, including their strengths and weaknesses, but also how well they process their emotions when stressed, how they operate and relate to others, and what inspires them to press forward.
CASEL (Collaborative for Academic, Social and Emotional Learning) research supports the idea that all four of these competencies are necessary to shift students’ thinking from “I can’t” to “I can.”
“The benefits of social and emotional learning (SEL) are well-researched, with evidence demonstrating that an education that promotes SEL yields positive outcomes for students, adults, and school communities.”
How Can Parents and Teachers Help?
First, the connections between competencies may need to shift, even in us as adults. Some of us are more practiced at these interrelated forms of cognition than others. If you grew up in a household that was led by black and white thinkers, you may need to reset your own expectations. Starting small is one way to do that.
For example, if you attempt to learn a new skill but find it frustrating at the first sign of failure, stop and take a deep breath. You might even model what a growth mindset looks like for your child by saying aloud, “I’m a little frustrated that this seems to be harder than I thought it would.”
This small sentiment lets your child know that it’s okay to feel frustrated about tasks that don’t come easily. The connection between emotional and metacognitive processes can shift, too. Your next thought might naturally be, “This is dumb. Why did I think I could learn this at my age?” You can add onto that thought and continue with, “Well, lots of people learn new things at any age, and I’m capable, too.”
Thinking about how we think as parents and educators reminds us that a growth mindset isn’t automatic, even in adulthood. We have to practice it, notice when we’re stifling our positive self-belief, and take small steps to change.
So, it begins with modeling how we think about and talk to ourselves.
Second, we can remember that practicing in a safe space allows students to develop these thought shifts. If a student has grown up in a home that’s driven by grades and performance, he may not know what it’s like to fail safely. Letting him fail with a soft landing at school can dramatically impact his experience of how to define success.
Success isn’t mastery. It is being able to practice a skill or try something new, be bad at it, and keep trying until you get better. It may not be your favorite skill or subject, and that’s okay. But a student’s motivation to learn a specific skill or subject grows when the metacognitive skills in their brains have a chance to grow slowly.
In reality, here’s how that might work.
A teacher has a ninth-grader who transferred in from another school. His old school didn’t check homework often, and when they did, it was only for a completion grade. So he’s shocked to receive a low grade for not showing concept mastery. In his self-perception, the practice part of learning wasn’t as important as the chance to show mastery on a test. Even if it’s a subject he excels in, he may be tempted to race through or skip homework assignments because they’re small and don’t count as much as a test grade.
To help him develop a more realistic way of thinking and expand his growth mindset, teachers and parents can talk regularly to approach complexities using the same soft approach. At Learnwell, teachers and parents communicate as often as needed and don’t need to wait for conference days to sort through learning issues at home.
The parent in this scenario may agree with the teacher that letting the student’s grade stand as a lower grade is key to his understanding that small assignments matter and practice begets progress, not perfection.
Finally, we can allow students to figure something out on their own or wrestle with something hard. This is actually a strategy that helps them build positive self-belief.
Think back to the iconic Rubik’s Cube. Learning to solve it was an achievement that helped you build the idea that you could learn to accept and recover from negative emotions, try new things, ask for help, and eventually solve it. One dad’s experience with the Rubik’s Cube reflects the resilience that comes from tackling a challenging task.
While our children may find new challenges or concepts frustrating at first, we can’t remove their right to fumble, experience a myriad of emotions, fail in a supportive environment, assess their new way forward, and make progress. If parents or teachers solve everything or remove the consequences of failure, students will struggle to develop their four competencies and will be slow to shift from “I can’t” to “I can” and even “I want to.”
4 Takeaways Parents Can Apply Today
- Slow down and listen. Listening without trying to solve or correct helps create the safe environment students need to build these four competencies.
- Start small. We’re tempted to rush through to a solution, too, because we are busy and juggle so much. We need to help our children see that one small shift in thought is all it takes to begin a new way of thinking, feeling, or processing what’s going on in their lives.
- Words matter. Start with your own words about your own perceived failures and frustrations. Make the decision to apologize when you are wrong, admit when you feel frustrated or upset, and end with a positive connection, such as “It’s okay to stumble” or “You’re learning and growing, and so am I.” One parent we know reminds her children that she’s never been a parent to that age child before, so she’s learning and doesn’t have all the answers. This kind of response shows students they’re on track, even if they don’t feel that way.
- Let them struggle. Watching our kids try to process something hard or new is tough. Naturally, our parent mode kicks in, and we want to rescue them from hardship. Even if it means letting your child stomp away from the kitchen table, slam the door, and refuse to continue, let them. When they recover emotionally, you can talk about how they feel, why they feel that way, and what they can do differently next time. This type of conversation models safety, autonomy, and reflective practices that give your child agency to make choices and learn about themselves along the way.
- Praise their self-awareness, not their performance. Child psychologist Sissy Goff reminds us that much of how our child processes the world around them aligns with how we parent. And we can make small shifts in our parenting at any time. So, praise your child when they recognize they didn’t plan far enough ahead for a project or when they discover they need to be more assertive in group activities. It’s easy to think, “They didn’t plan this out well at all,” scold them, and then help them find a workaround. Instead, ask your child questions to invite their own self-reflection, and let them know you are with them, which is what matters most.
Are you looking for a more flexible way to educate your child? If the constant stress of deadlines and school schedules is causing burnout in your family, it’s okay to try out other options; if you live in the North Georgia area, we invite you to attend a Discover Learnwell preview night to see how Learnwell Collective approaches education.
Do you live outside the North Georgia area? Our Learnwell Navigator Program may be a good fit for your family’s needs.